Exams are over. The first term is ending in three days, Christmas is approaching fast.These last three weeks have been an emotional roller-coaster. To describe all the details here would be a mile-long post. I've been through so much, and I keep being amazed at how much there still is to learn about oneself. We never stop changing and evolving and realizing and adapting.
I was putting myself under so much pressure that I literally made myself sick. I caught a bad cold, my back was aching permanently. We had been told in school to relax and not take any 'suboptimal' conditions too seriously. This is not at all my style - I'm totally an optimizer! My time in Spain is limited so I knew I wanted to get a maximum out of my stay - and improve any situation that wasn't good enough. I stressed out so much, that I was completely blocked. I wasn't able to learn well nor feel like dancing was any fun. I lost most of my passion somewhere along the way. Plus, there was physical tiredness, problems with broken bicycles, my home being too far away from school, loneliness and so on.
It wasn't until various teachers had several serious talks with our class, which culminated during our exams, and talking to my best flamenco friend, that I understood what our teachers wanted from us - that we give our best. They couldn't understand why we would come from so far away, invest so much time and money, and not give our 100%. And I can't blame them. I hadn't been giving my best. I learned the hard lesson that during an exam, I get so nervous that I can barely dance anymore. I lose my balance and my footwork sounds like a complete beginner's. That's what you get when perfectionism gets in the way, ..! So that's where my work will be next term. And I hope that one day, I will be able to reach deep inside of myself while dancing, and not feel the shame that is blocking me, but the feelings and the music I want to express.
Being here has been much harder than I thought it would. I wanted to do so many things - blog more about the life and the people, the beautiful city Sevilla, to try my hand at painting, dabble into website making, cook often, have friends over, meeting Sevillanos, check out the Salsa clubs, have quiet weekend escapes to the beach - there have been very few of those things. Not possible when you do full immersion in a dance school. But nonetheless, I'm very thankful at the moment for having such mindful teachers, fellow classmates and friends. For getting so much support (and cookies!) from home. For having a body that cooperates with my dreams. For having the opportunity to be here. So, I start the Christmas break in peace.
Happy holidays! :)
