Packing

My last classmate left a week ago. They all left on different days, it was sad to say good bye so many times!

I still had some more days left in Sevilla, and they have been very relaxing. Planning for my return home (will have to look for a job!) and getting ready to pack. There's so much stuff! Incredible.

And still, I had to do some last-minute shopping... couldn't help getting some flamenco clothes, accessories and shoes. I resisted all year, but in the end I cracked. My great excuse is that it's much more expensive to get things from home, so better to buy them here anyway! Yay! 

We leave on Sunday for a week of curso de flamenco in Sanlúcar and a couple of glorious days at the beach afterwards. Flight home on the 28th of July, arrival at 6.30 PM! Would anyone like to pick me up at the airport? :)

Fin de curso / Viva España!

Last Thursday, my old school celebrated the end of the school year and the arrival of summer and the end of the school year with a "fin de curso" performance. Of course I went there to support my ex-classmates. They all danced beautifully and came out exhausted from the effort, but happy and proud of themselves of having pulled through. I thought hey did an amazing job with their performance and I was very happy for them.

Alumnos y profesores del Centro de Arte Sevilla, photo by John Flury.

It was not quite easy for me to sit and watch, but it was necessary. I felt a slight twinge of regret of not having completed the year... but when I really think about it, leaving the school was the best thing I could do. This year could not have gone better for me, because it helped me find my creativity again. And most of all, I found out what I REALLY want in life: I want to work with food, cooking and baking. This is what I'm supposed to be doing. 

So that's what I've been doing the past few weeks, even if just for John and myself: Cooking yummy meals.

But last night was special... I had some friends over to watch the Eurocup final and decided to make something extra special: Vietnamese spring rolls! My good friend Lindsey came over to help and we had lots of fun and success making them:

Crispy vietnamese spring rolls

And of course, no party is complete without a cake:

White layer rose cake with fluffy chocolate frosting

Flamenco-wise, I'm not sure how to keep going during the two weeks I have left here. In the last few weeks I practiced every day... with school now closed, I've lost my practice space. The weather is very hot here so it takes discipline to practice... though it feels good to have your bones heated to the core and sweating buckets of water during training! 

I'm in a strange space with my dancing at the moment. I feel stuck in a dead-end. I did not find what I was looking for in Sevilla. I tried so very hard to fit the mould of a traditional flamenco dancer, but that it not me. That's why I had to quit my school. I'm still trying to figure out what kind of dancer I am. But I'll probably discover that through dancing, and less through thinking! 

What ultimately attracts me about flamenco (aside from the music and the aesthetics of dance) are the amazing energies that can arise from sharing a stage and making music with good people. When a guitarist, a singer and a dancer get together on the same level, incredible things can happen. 

Unfortunately, due to the high level of professionals here in Sevilla, and the huge competition, things don't often work that way. I have seen many shows with bored performers, who were just there for the money or who were doing their stage partners a favor. Such performances are bland and left me completely uninspired. It seems that to get into the local flamenco scene, at least as a newcomer, one has to deal with such circumstances. I am definitely not ready to do that... this goes against my grain as a passionate musician. 

I guess in order to progress as a "flamenca" I will just keep pursuing that goal... to one day find "my people" I'm able to collaborate, practice hard, and have fun with. No matter our level of technique or virtuosity. I believe that when performers are at ease on stage and communicating with each other, only then are they able to give something to the audience. 

The 'lasts' are beginning

Three weeks left in Sevilla. The period of 'lasts' is starting... tomorrow is my last dance class with the bata de cola. I had my last bulerías class two weeks ago. I get to practice a couple of more times before the school closes. There have already been last drinks with friends who have left, last hugs, last affirmations to stay in touch on Facebook.

View of Sevilla from the Metropol Parasol

It's getting hot here... over 40 degrees during the day! On July 15th, we will be out of here... off to Sanlúcar for a glorious week of "Curso de Flamenco" and then a week driving around the Costa de la Luz. And then... hopping on the plane home!

Five weeks left I want to enjoy to the max!

The best of both worlds

Things I miss about home:

• Clean refreshing waters (swimming pools, river, lake) to swim in when the weather is hot
• My vacuum cleaner for swift dust removal
• The Asian store for cilantro, thai basil, and other yummy herbs and spices
• Bread, cheese and chocolate (So cliché, but oh so true...)
• My family and friends
• My flamenco teachers
• Mountains to hike on
• Clean, informative websites

Things about Sevilla I will miss:

• Everyone speaks Spanish here
• The waiters at the neighbourhood bar know us and prepare our drinks the minute we walk in
• The sun is always shining
• The beach is only an hour away
• Flamenco shows are offered every day of the week
• Getting asked, "Qué quieres?!" and having to reply immediately
• Cheap training space
• Coffee costing only 1.10€

I could go on - on both sides. So, should I stay here or come home...? :)

Salad days

Sorry my friends! I hadn't realized you were waiting impatiently for an update!

I've been so busy and happy recently that I have neglected this blog. I hope you agree with me that it is a good sign... I'm starting to let go of the stress and pressure... and starting to enjoy life more! I'm getting up and seeing where each day is taking me. I've been staying home a lot, and caking. Caaaaaake. This is turning into a serious obsession.

And apart from that, there are always friends to have drinks with, shows to see, meals to cook. So here's a good long photo essay blog post for you so see what I've been up to!

For more than a month, I've been dancing bulerías por fiesta with maestro Juan Paredes:

This photo in his flyer pictures his energy perfectly! I am loving his general bulería classes. I go there to learn to let go and enjoy just dancing. As bulerías is an improvisational dance, it's one of the hardest flamenco dances there is! Juan is incredible relaxed and is a master at showing us what good vibes can be transmitted at a "fiesta", when one dances from the bottom of the soul, with all his body, even when doing the most simple moves. He sings to us without end and gives us a lot of support! I'm still not very relaxed, but getting there. Gracias maestro!

Last month was J's birthday. I stewed up a good pot of Vietnamese Pho soup for him!

Onion, anis stars, cinnamon sticks and ginger!

A month ago, I was having a particularly bad week. I had no clue how to continue dancing, what I was doing in Sevilla anyway, and where my life was going (that was before I had discovered cake). I realized I missed home, the river, the forests and the mountains. So John took me out for a walk in the park. We both brought our iPod and iPhone and shot pics all afternoon. The Parque del Guadalquivir, on the right side of the river, was a strange place, built for the Expo in 92, and neglected every since. Even though it was open, we were the only ones in it. There were dried up water fountains, observation rides that were closed down, and all sorts of cool plants, cacti and bell flowers.

Dried up water fountain

The walk helped me air my head. I enjoyed taking pictures of stuff. I decided to just continue doing the Artist's Way, dance a little, and see what happens. This is what did:

Shaken, not stirred

I still felt lost... so I decided to take a day off and spend it at the beach, alone. I took the bus to Matalascañas, sat on the sand, collected seashells (another dream come true!) and took a lot of pictures that day. Here's one:

"La Peña", Matalascañas

The following week, don't ask me how it happened, I got pulled into the world of cake online. I've been delving into online resources, watching tutorials about sugar and chocolate and flowers and fondant. I discovered the fantastic brand that is Wilton. I made my first homemade fondant and have been hooked ever since!  I've learned about things I had no idea existed. It's just amazing. I'm regularly spreading sugar all over the kitchen and making things and learning, learning, learning. I'd love to run and get all the materials but since I'm in Spain I have to limit myself till I get home. I did order a very basic decorating set online:

Wilton Basic Cake Decorating Set

5 decorating tips, a flower nail, food colors and some decorating bags with couplers! And here's the cake that happened afterwards:

"Hello world!" Cake. Photo by John Flury

I baked it for my dear aunt who came for a glorious 4-day visit in the middle of May. Since I don't have an oven, I had to operate with store-bought cake base... which doesn't taste very good in my opinion. But since I'm still learning, I'm making do with what I have. It's actually very interesting to see what I can achieve with limited equipment. One gets quite inventive...!

We had a great time with my aunt. On Friday she took us to Cádiz by car and we spent a day at the sea, getting photographed. The following 4 pictures are by John Flury:

The last picture is a professional-looking portrait of my aunt that John took for his photography series, "Lichtdialoge". You can click on the picture for a more detailed version!

After my aunt left, I kept going strong with caking. I've been practicing different techniques of decorating. I'm completely in love with it. I've always loved sugar and chocolate and I love having the opportunity to learn, in my own kitchen, in my own time. 

For my birthday two days ago, I invited some friends over for cake and coffee. I spent all morning making little bites for them. I even decorating muffins with red and white dots, but forgot to take a picture...!

Petit fours (Chocolate cake with peanut butter filling and chocolate ganache)

Buttercream frosted cupcakes

I received so many nice messages and lovely gestures for my birthday that I feel truly blessed. I'm deeply thankful for all the great persons in my life. I know I'm loved and I love you all right back! :) I'm very very happy right now and can't wait to see everyone when I get back home. Not quite two months left....!

And finally, this picture is for my beloved grandparents.

Birthday gift table

Chère Mamie & grand-papa, mille mercis pour votre cadeau... J'ai maintenant 2 pelles à tarte en forme de tranche de tarte, des clips pour des cartes postales en forme de petits gâteaux, et un nouveau set de décoration de cupcakes! Je me réjouis déjà de vous gâter... :) Gros gros bisous!

xm

Alive and happily kicking

Sorry for not posting much... these past few weeks have been a flurry of tranquility and business. I'm pendling back and forth between doing many things, and not doing much at all. Still going strong on the Artist's Way, writing a lot, dancing a little bit 'por bulerías', dancing with my bata.

But also, new activities have entered my life, which I am enjoying to the core. I'm allowing myself to sleep in and let each day take me where it will.  I'm taking salsa classes (finally! And it's such a relief!) And, I have become obsessed with a old passion rediscovered: I am learning to decorate cakes. Yes, caaaaakes. More to come soon on the blog! :)

Here's a picture John took while playing around with some sugar syrup I made, which turned out too dense.

Photo by John Flury

I'm still stressed out at times by all the things I feel I could be doing during my final months here in Spain. But the point is, I came here to find out what I really wanted, and then to do exactly that. So I'm trying to do exactly that :)

Artist date #2 - Bún Riêu (Crab noodle soup)

Nothing makes me happier than rushing to the Asian store following a sudden urge, then running home to combine broth ingredients in a big pot, dashing big spurts of fish sauce into it, cooking rice noodles, washing herbs, and ending up with a big pot of hot bubbly goodness on the stove.

I followed my mom's recipe, but the definite inspiration came from here. 

The Michis

Last month, two dear friends came for a week-long visit. We had a fabulous time.

We went to see the last procession of Semana Santa. We went for long walks by the river, Plaza de España. We finally went to see the Cathedral from inside. And most importantly, we ate a lot of great food together.

Watching the procession in Calle San Luís

Jesus resurrected

Entering the church backwards.

Virgen de la Aurora

Walking through the rose petals people had thrown at the procession

A kid's dream! (Photo by John Flury)

Torrijas, a typical Easter treat. Sweet and sticky!

Strolling around the Cathedral (Photo by John Flury)

Thank you chicas for visiting - it was wonderful to have you! :)

Only in Spain...

I found these two pearls sitting next to each other in the book store last week.

Artist date #1 - Cupcakes

I've started with a book-course called "The Artist's Way" (by Julia Cameron). It's a twelve-week writing course directed to anyone who wants to live a more creative life but doesn't know how - hence the word "blocked artist". I feel like that book is talking directly to me; it's almost scary. I can really, really recommend this course to anyone who wants to be creative.

Every week, I take myself on an "artist date". For the first week, I decided to decorate cupcakes - something that my inner artist child loves to do. Cupcakes are so fun and cute and lovable.

I set out to the supermarket and got some supplies: Powdered sugar, butter, vanilla extract, food coloring and of course, sprinkles.

Since I don't have an oven to bake cupcakes with, I bought some madeleines to frost. I beat the frosting by hand. I frosted them using a plastic bag that I cut up. Voilà!

Smile :)))

Fighting battles

Andalucía sky between Sevilla and Cádiz, April 2012

I've gone to war.

Well, in a figurative sense of way. Back in February, I finally woke up to the sounds of the demon inside me, trying to ruin my life with constant criticism and guilt-making. The demon has been making these sounds for years - since the beginning of my existence, or so I feel. It has been commanding me what to do, how I should behave, how to live... since I can remember.

For the longest time, I thought that voice was me. I thought that I wanted what the voice wanted. I've learned quite a few years ago ago that the voice is NOT me. That the demon's arguments are quickly dismantled with some rational arguing. But it's hard to escape the demon - it wouldn't go away. It keeps convincing me that it is right. And, it's safe to keep listening to a voice that has been with you all your life.

And so I brought this demon with me to Spain. It's been sitting on my shoulder in every flamenco class. It looks with me at my reflection in the mirror and softly whispers a steady stream of criticism in my ear. It sits beside me at every dinner I eat, admonishing to do the dishes immediately afterwards. It observes what I do at the computer, telling me to go to bed. It bangs on my head in the morning, urging me to get out of bed and 'carpe diem'. When I won't do what I am told, it wraps itself tightly around my neck and makes my throat feel tight, oh so tight with guilt.

But last  February, something cracked inside. I felt like I could not keep going with the guilt and self-beating. I could not keep dancing like his. I would not be blocked that way. I would not tolerate this voice any longer, trying to intrude in my life.

In the course of the last few weeks I have been learning to listen to the demon as a separate voice, a voice that is not the real me. It's hard, it talks and talks all day, it's stressing me out. Learning to be aware of it is just the first step out of this business.

I have taken measures to start taking care of myself. I have started to give myself permission to just be and breathe. I have left my school.

I want to learn to relax, so I can be inspired and creative again. I want to remind myself that there is nothing I MUST do. I came here for fun and because I am passionate about flamenco. Not because of any 'shoulds'.

The demon must learn that although his voice is welcome at times, he will only every be a small part of me. It's time to let my creative artist child out to play. That one has been locked in a room for very long. I've stolen the key from the demon and have let it out. Of course it's afraid at first, but I hope to encourage it to jump and run and whoop and sing and dance.

So, instead of going to school, I want to let my creative juices flow. I want to cook Vietnamese food and decorate cupcakes and make a website and do some flamenco singing. I might go to the arts and crafts store and decorate some 'peinetas' by hand. I'll go salsa dancing and take funny pictures with my camera. I will write and paint and be silly. I'll go to the beach and collect seashells. And THEN - when I feel like it - I'll go and dance some flamenco. Maybe some bulerías.

I just noticed that I wrote the exact same list last Christmas, saddened because I was renouncing all those activities for the sake of going to dance classes. Well, now I am giving myself permission to do them!

Rainy Semana Santa

Long time no blog. Quite a few things have changed around here. I'm on Easter holiday right now... here in Sevilla it's called "Semana Santa". And it's been raining a lot!

A week ago, my sweetheart arrived. He is planning to study flamenco percussion for 4 months! That is very exciting. We moved to a sweet little appartment straight away. It's not big, but has got some big perks that I've been missing: Nice hot water pressure in the shower, our own washing machine, marble floors, air conditioning and an orange tree outside the window, which spreads its lovely orange blossom scent into our room at night.

On Palm Sunday, the most impressive week of the entire Catholic world started: The processions of Semana Santa, the Holy Week. Almost 60 brotherhoods carry their Jesus and Virgin statues in a solemn procession to the Cathedral to absolve their sins - the "estación de penitencia". Some processions include 3000 penitents, the "nazarenos", who wear big pointy hats and walk in silence, sometimes barefoot. The statues follow behind, placed on heavy floats and decorated with candles and flowers. The floats weigh over 2 tons and are carried by about 50 men. The Christ and Virgin are fiercely venerated and the many hundreds (sometimes thousands) of onlookers hush into silence when their adored Virgin is carried by. Someone on a balcony might sing break into a "saeta", a religious song which sounds like flamenco.

Cristo del Silencio, photo by John Flury

Unfortunately, the first days of Holy Week were marked by heavy falls of rain. That means that the valuable statues cannot be carried to the Cathedral. However, many times this week, wherever we would go somewhere, a procession was blocking the way.

We got a small reprieve on Wednesday and went to see some "pasos" - floats. It rained again all Thursday. The most important processions take place in the small hours of Friday morning - coming out of their churches at 1AM, some not returning to their homechurch till 2PM of that day. We got lucky, the sky cleared up around midnight, so we rushed to the center to see "El Silencio" go by. This procession passes in absolute silence. When the Christ and the Virgin pass by, there is no sound to be heard. An impressive feat for the noisy and talk-loving Sevillanos!

On our way home to the Macarena, we were blocked by the procession of that same neighborhood. The entire barrio was out to see "their" virgin. There was no way through. So we waited, and watched. And there she came. The crowd applauded, some people in tears.

Virgen de la Macarena, photo by John Flury

I am not a believer and even less Catholic, so hearing about the processions of Semana Santa made me shake my head. There are many rules and it's a very fundamentalist affair. However, I wasn't expecting the folk festival atmosphere nor the festivity in the air - the Sevillanos do know how to celebrate. The music played by the procession bands is beautiful, and the adoration and veneration an entire neighborhood feels for their Virgin is very powerful. It was a nice experience to be able to take part in the onlooking and be part of the crowd.