Fighting battles

Andalucía sky between Sevilla and Cádiz, April 2012

I've gone to war.

Well, in a figurative sense of way. Back in February, I finally woke up to the sounds of the demon inside me, trying to ruin my life with constant criticism and guilt-making. The demon has been making these sounds for years - since the beginning of my existence, or so I feel. It has been commanding me what to do, how I should behave, how to live... since I can remember.

For the longest time, I thought that voice was me. I thought that I wanted what the voice wanted. I've learned quite a few years ago ago that the voice is NOT me. That the demon's arguments are quickly dismantled with some rational arguing. But it's hard to escape the demon - it wouldn't go away. It keeps convincing me that it is right. And, it's safe to keep listening to a voice that has been with you all your life.

And so I brought this demon with me to Spain. It's been sitting on my shoulder in every flamenco class. It looks with me at my reflection in the mirror and softly whispers a steady stream of criticism in my ear. It sits beside me at every dinner I eat, admonishing to do the dishes immediately afterwards. It observes what I do at the computer, telling me to go to bed. It bangs on my head in the morning, urging me to get out of bed and 'carpe diem'. When I won't do what I am told, it wraps itself tightly around my neck and makes my throat feel tight, oh so tight with guilt.

But last  February, something cracked inside. I felt like I could not keep going with the guilt and self-beating. I could not keep dancing like his. I would not be blocked that way. I would not tolerate this voice any longer, trying to intrude in my life.

In the course of the last few weeks I have been learning to listen to the demon as a separate voice, a voice that is not the real me. It's hard, it talks and talks all day, it's stressing me out. Learning to be aware of it is just the first step out of this business.

I have taken measures to start taking care of myself. I have started to give myself permission to just be and breathe. I have left my school.

I want to learn to relax, so I can be inspired and creative again. I want to remind myself that there is nothing I MUST do. I came here for fun and because I am passionate about flamenco. Not because of any 'shoulds'.

The demon must learn that although his voice is welcome at times, he will only every be a small part of me. It's time to let my creative artist child out to play. That one has been locked in a room for very long. I've stolen the key from the demon and have let it out. Of course it's afraid at first, but I hope to encourage it to jump and run and whoop and sing and dance.

So, instead of going to school, I want to let my creative juices flow. I want to cook Vietnamese food and decorate cupcakes and make a website and do some flamenco singing. I might go to the arts and crafts store and decorate some 'peinetas' by hand. I'll go salsa dancing and take funny pictures with my camera. I will write and paint and be silly. I'll go to the beach and collect seashells. And THEN - when I feel like it - I'll go and dance some flamenco. Maybe some bulerías.

I just noticed that I wrote the exact same list last Christmas, saddened because I was renouncing all those activities for the sake of going to dance classes. Well, now I am giving myself permission to do them!